Fellowship of the Cranium Game
by Miosha Aranaiya
Summary: The Council of Elrond must decide who will take the Cranium Game to the marketing department. Frodo volunteers, but on one condition: they must play a game before he leaves. What shenanigans will ensue?


**Disclaimer: **I own neither anything related to Lord of the Rings nor the Cranium Game. And I have no plans to make money off of this story.

* * *

**The Fellowship of the Cranium Game**

Blue Team: Arwen, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli

Yellow Team: Galadriel, Celeborn, Bilbo, Faramir

Dark Team: Sauron, Saruman, Balrog, WitchKing

Red Team: Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Gandalf

Green Team: Frodo, Sam, Elrond, Haldir

_*Rivendell, in the middle of the Council of Elrond*_

Frodo: I will take the Cranium Game to the marketing department!

_*Everyone stops arguing and looks at Frodo*_

Frodo: But on one condition: we must play a game before I go.

Gandalf: I will play you in this game, as long as you continue.

Aragorn: And by my victory or defeat, I will play against you. You have my cerebellum.

Legolas: And my frontal lobe.

Gimli: And my cerebrum.

Broromir: If this is indeed the will of the Club, Gondor will play it through.

Sam: Hey! Mr. Frodo's not playing any games without me!

Elrond: No, indeed; it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a Cranium Club and you are not.

Merry: We're coming too!

Pippin: And you'd have to tie us in a sack to stop us! Anyway, you need people of intelligence to play this sort of board…game…thing.

Elrond: Nine companions. Very well. Arwen will want to play as Aragorn is, so along with myself, we have eleven players. We need five more to have a full game.

Bilbo: Well, since it was silly old Bilbo who invented the game, I guess silly old Bilbo will have to play.

Elrond: That's twelve.

_*Suddenly Galadriel, Celeborn, and Haldir run in*_

Galadriel: Did someone say "Cranium"?

Haldir: That's my favorite game!

Celeborn: The three of us agree to play.

Elrond: That's fifteen.

_*Out of nowhere, Faramir rushes in*_

Faramir: The White City is falling! Boromir, you must come home and lead our people to victory so that Father will shut up!

Boromir: But…we're about to play Cranium!

Faramir: Really!?! Well…Minas Tirith can wait. I can't resist a good game of Cranium!

Elrond: That's sixteen; let us begin!

_*A lightning bolt reveals Saruman, the WitchKing rides up holding a Red Eye, and a Balrog arrives on a flaming chariot*_

Saruman: We're here to play Cranium!

Balrog: And kick y'all's fannies!

Sauron: Cause we're the smartest!

WitchKing: And no man can defeat me!

Elrond: Well, um, we're out of pawns to represent your team…

_*Saruman opens a Monopoly box and pulls out the shoe*_

Saruman: This'll do.

Elrond: Okay; let the game begin!

Frodo: But we haven't picked teams!

Elrond: Didn't you see the list at the beginning?

Frodo: Oh, yeah…

Elrond: Blue can go first.

Galadriel: Why?

Elrond: Do you want Arwen to throw a fit?

Galadriel: Good point.

Elrond: Okay, Blue Team, what do you choose?

Arwen: Let's do spelling.

Legolas: Okay.

Gimli: Let me do it; I'm a natural.

Aragorn: Um…ok.

Elrond: Gimli, how do you spell "embarrassed"?

Gimli: (_closes eyes)_ E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-E-D

Elrond: (_sarcastically) _Yay. You get to roll.

Gimli: _(rolls the dice)_ Fast track yellow!

Elrond: Yellow Team, your turn. And Galadriel, no cheating.

Galadriel: I? Cheat? Well, I never!

Elrond: Shut up and choose.

Bilbo: Um…how bout Selectaquest?

Elrond: Okay. Your question: "Z and Q are the least frequently used letters in the English alphabet. Which is the most frequently used letter? **(A)** a** (B)** e **(C)** i **(D)** s

Faramir: What's…English?

Celeborn: I think its food.

Bilbo: No, it's a wagon!

Galadriel: No dummies, it's a language!

Others: Ohhhhh.

Faramir: I think it's "e."

Galadriel: Why?

Bilbo: Because I don't like apples, I'm lactose intolerant so I can't have ice cream, and I think of Gollum saying "Preciousssssssssss."

Celeborn: Besides, that's all the Nazgul seems to be saying.

Arwen: No fair! That's cheating!

Galadriel: The answer is "B", final answer.

Elrond: Okay, you're correct. Roll ahead.

Bilbo: Oooooh, green, like my boogers!

Arwen/Galadriel: I did NOT need to know that.

Elrond: Okay, Dark Team; your turn.

WitchKing: We pick Cloodle, and I'll draw.

Elrond: Here's a pencil and paper. Ready… _(begins timer) _go!

_*WitchKing begins to draw*_

Sauron: Margarita!

Saruman: Hawaii!

Balrog: Vacation!

All together: DAYDREAMING!

Elrond: Yes! And from a picture of girls on a beach, I have no idea how you guessed it.

Saruman: Simple. What guy doesn't think of hot chicks on a beach in his spare time?

Celeborn: Yeah, I know what you-- _(sees Galadriel glaring at him) _I mean, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Elrond: Okaaaaaay. Go ahead and roll, Dark Team.

Sauron: Ooooh, red, just like me!

Elrond: Yeah. Red team, your turn.

Gandalf: We pick Cameo. I will act it out.

Elrond: Okay. Ready…._(begins timer) _go!

_*Gandalf starts acting like a horse*_

Boromir: Rohirrim!

Pippin: Bill!

Merry: Horse!

_*Gandalf nods, mimes hiding and acts like putting stuff in horse*_

Boromir: Packing!

Pippin: Food!

Merry: Cardiovascular surgery!

_*Everyone stares at him*_

Merry: What?

Pippin: I'm hungry.

Merry: Shut up.

Pippin: You shut up!

Merry: No you!

Pippin: You!

Boromir: Both of you shut up!

_*Gandalf vainly tries to get their attention*_

Elrond: Oh, and that's time. Sorry, Red Team, but the correct answer was "Trojan Horse." You seem to have gotten the fighting part, though.

Gandalf: _(sits next to Pippin and smacks him on the head) _Fool of a Took!

Aragorn: And now, Green Team, it's-

Elrond: We choose Factoid. The question is "What is the sum of one gross and one score?" and the answer is 164.

Galadriel: Now who's cheating?

Aragorn: And that is the correct answer! So-

_*Elrond has already rolled and moved the piece to fast-track blue*_

Aragorn: Okay, then, so we have-

Elrond: The Yellow Team in first, then the Green Team, then in third the Blue Team, then the Dark Team, and last the Red Team. Now, on to the second round! Blue Team, pick your poison!

Gimli: How 'bout cyanide…or strychnine…arsenic is good, too…

Elrond: Just pick a category!

Legolas: We'll take Selectaquest for 300, Alex.

Elrond: This is NOT Jeopardy! Your question is: "Which is NOT true of a green card?"

**(A)** it is for permanent US residents** (B)** it is green **(C)** you can buy it at The Gap of Rohan **(D)** legal immigrants must present upon job application

Aragorn: Oooh, that's a toughie!

Legolas: How can we choose the right one?

Gimli: Wait! I have my green card right here!

Arwen: That's not a green card; it's a pink card!

Gimli: Exactly! The answer is "B."

Elrond: And that is the correct answer! Since you can only move to the Brain, go ahead.

Legolas: Yay!

Elrond: Okay, Yellow Team, your Humdinger is-

Galadriel: Wait, Blue Team didn't have to do Star Performer!

_*Elrond mouths "Arwen"_

Galadriel: Oh, okay. Gotcha.

Elrond: So, who's humming?

Faramir: I will. I think I have a good voice.

Elrond: Okay. _(hands card to Faramir) _Break a leg! _(mutters) _Seriously. _(begins timer)_

_*Faramir begins to hum*_

Celeborn: Elbereth Gilthoniel!

Galadriel: March of the Ents!

Bilbo: The Rubber Ducky song!

Celeborn: Shut up! You're not allowed to guess anymore! Jingle Bells!

Galadriel: Yoda's Theme!

Bilbo: Frere Jacques!

Celeborn: I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!

Galadriel: Dancing Queen, by ABBA.

Elrond: And that is the correct answer, so roll, my Precious! Never mind that, 'cause you can only move to the Brain! Dark Team, your turn.

Sauron: I will do the Copycat.

Elrond: Okay, on your mark, get set…_(begins timer) _go!

Sauron: Oh, Kermy, I love you.

Saruman: Who's "Kermy"?

Balrog: Huh?

Sauron: I'm a PIG who's in love with a FROG.

WitchKing: SnowWhite and Prince Charming?

Saruman: I had an Orc working for me who looked like a pig.

Balrog: Oh, Miss Piggy from the Muppets!

Elrond: Right, congrats, you roll and move to…_(they roll the dice) _green. Red Team, it's your turn. Try do something this time, okay? Boromir, you're a Copycat. Ready…_(begins timer) _go!

Boromir: Bah, humbug.

Pippin: He's not acting any different than usual.

Boromir: I love gold.

Merry: Yeah, that's the impression that I get.

Boromir: Tell me, Spirit, will the boy live?

Gandalf: _(sighing)_ Ebenezer Scrooge from "A Christmas Carol."

Elrond: Uh huh. Ah, no fair; you guys rolled the Brain. Now you're caught up!

Aragorn: And now it's the Green Team's turn.

Frodo: Oooh, pick me, pick me!

Others: Fine.

Frodo: Oh, boy!

Aragorn: You have a Copycat. Ready…_(begins timer) _go!

Frodo: _(plays the air piano and bares his teeth) _I wish my brother George was here.

Haldir: Oh, what's his name…Liberty Bell?

Sam: Liberia?

Elrond: La cucaracha?

Haldir: Oh, Liberace!

Aragorn: Yup! You guessed it!

Haldir: I'm so smart.

Elrond: And on to Round Three! Blue Team, it's your turn again.

Aragorn: We pick Factoid.

Elrond: Okay, and here's your question: "In science, what does BTU stand for?"

Arwen: Beth Tinuviel Undomiel?

Gimli: By the Underpants?

Legolas: Born to Understand?

Aragorn: Bread Torn Uniquely?

Arwen: Both the Umbrellas?

Gimli: Break the Underworld?

Legolas: Bore the Umpire?

Aragorn: British Thermal Unit?

Elrond: Correct! Good guess.

Aragorn: You're telling me.

Elrond: Go ahead and roll.

Legolas: Oooh, yellow, just like my hair!

Elrond: _(under breath) _Ditz._ (outloud) _Okay, and now it's the Yellow Team's turn. So pick a card, pick a card, any card.

Celeborn: We pick Polygraph.

Elrond: Okay, here's your question: "True or false: the hemlock is a deciduous tree."

Galadriel: That's easy; false.

Elrond: Correct, so roll your heart out.

Celeborn: _(rolls dice, and mutters) _Dang, red. _(flips dice over and calls out) _It's blue!

Elrond: Okay. _(no one saw Celeborn cheat) _So Dark Team, pick a category. Uh, too late, you have Humdinger anyway. So hum away, Balrog!_ (begins timer)_

_*Balrog begins to hum*_

Saruman: Sounds more like grunting to me.

Sauron: Clear your throat, please, and maybe we'll understand you.

WitchKing: Wait, I know that song. _(starts humming along)_

Saruman: _(understands WitchKing's humming better than Balrog's)_ Oh, yeah, me too!_ (starts humming along)_

Sauron: Now I recognize it! _(begins to sing in a high-pitched and off-key voice) _Play that funky music white boy! Play that funky music right!

Elrond: _(has hands over his ears, along with everyone else) _Okay, okay! You're correct! That's the right answer! Just move your piece to the Brain!

Dark Team: _(high-fiving each other) _We bad!

Elrond: _(with ears bleeding)_ Red Team, just go…_(begins timer)_

Gandalf: I'll go. We pick Copycat. _(stands up) _Eee-hee-hee-hee, my Pretties! I'll get that girl, and her little dog, too!

Pippin: Dog? Where?

Gandalf: Who killed my sister? Was it you?

Pippin: You have a sister?

Gandalf: Fly, my monkeys, fly!

Pippin: _(timidly) _Flying…monkeys?

Merry: Who do we know with flying monkeys?

Boromir: Oh, I know! Saruman!

Saruman: I don't have flying monkeys!

Boromir: No, but you're a sister.

Saruman: Why, you little-

Merry: It's the Wicked Witch of the West.

Elrond: _(has cotton in his ears) _What? You guessed? Okay, so roll already.

Pippin: Red! Whoo hoo!

Aragorn: Green Team, your turn.

Sam: We pick Copycat. I'm acting it out.

Aragorn: Ready…_(begins timer) _go!

Sam: _(rolling his "r's") _Rhia, rha gerrrrrrrrrrrr….

Frodo: You're speaking upset stomach.

Haldir: No, it's whale!

Frodo: Upset stomach!

Haldir: Whale!

Sam: "I hear ya, buddy."

Elrond: You're Chewbacca from Star Wars.

Haldir; I don't use tobacco, thank you. It's a filthy habit only filthy mortals partake in.

Frodo: Well, you're smoking something, 'cause that was obviously upset stomach.

Haldir: No, it was whale!

Elrond: Okay, we move to… _(rolls the dice) _The Brain! We're in the lead!

_And so the game continued, everyone arguing and bickering, until the Red Team somehow miraculously won, no thanks to Pippin or Boromir but to Gandalf and Merry._

Frodo: Well, that was fun. Now I'll go and market the Game.

Sauron: WHAT!?! I want the credit!

Frodo: Oops.

Elrond: _(smacks his own forehead) _Stupid fat hobbit! Revealing our plot to the rival company! Get out of my building!

_So the Fellowship of the Cranium Game ran out of Rivendell, thus beginning the race to market Cranium to the masses. The WitchKing kept the shoe as part of his new armor._

**THE END**


End file.
